An Atheist — Because no one can be (Rom. 1:19-20) even though some like to pretend that they can.
A Southern Baptist — Because I live up North and fundamentalism doesn’t suit me.
A Roman Catholic — Because of that heretical ‘filioque’ addition to the N-C Creed.
Eastern Orthodox — Because I’m as lazy as Forest Whitaker’s eye and standing all service requires energy.
An Independant Fundamental Baptist — Because they’re the same as Southern Baptists (except they like the KJV over the HCSB), and I don’t want to have to lie about going to Hooters after church on Sunday.
A Calvinist — Because God didn’t ordain from all eternity that I would be one.
A Zwinglian — Because I don’t have the slightest clue who this fellow is, and other than Jim West, no one else does either.
A Mormon — Because short sleeve dress shirts and bicycle mission trips don’t appeal to me.
A Jehovah’s Witness — Because I like to question authority.
A Christadelphian — Because they’re just Jehovah’s Witnesses without the organization and prestige.
A Christian Scientist — Because Tylenol is my friend.
A Muslim — Because I love pork.
A Buddhist — Because bowing down to little statues of enlightened fat men is against my religion.
A Hindu — Because they don’t even know what they believe.
A Presbyterian — Because Drew Tatusko is one, and he spoke ill of Gordy Berry’s The Last Dragon.
A Lutheran — Because I saw the movie Luther and wasn’t impressed.
An Emerger — See Hindu above.
A Jew — See Muslim above.
A Oneness Pentecostal — Because accusing Trinitarians of tritheism would get old quick.*
A Secular Humanist — Because they’re all alone in the world. I can join Joel Osteen’s church and be a humanist within a religious community.*
So I shall remain a Charismatic-Pentecostal because: (1) We have the full gospel, (2) we worship better than the rest, and (3) Because all of the apostles were.
(HT: Jim West for the wonderful idea)
*Updated for CS and Kenny. :)