Why I Could Never Be…

An Atheist — Because no one can be (Rom. 1:19-20) even though some like to pretend that they can.

A Southern Baptist — Because I live up North and fundamentalism doesn’t suit me.

A Roman Catholic — Because of that heretical ‘filioque’ addition to the N-C Creed.

Eastern Orthodox — Because I’m as lazy as Forest Whitaker’s eye and standing all service requires energy.

An Independant Fundamental Baptist — Because they’re the same as Southern Baptists (except they like the KJV over the HCSB), and I don’t want to have to lie about going to Hooters after church on Sunday.

A Calvinist — Because God didn’t ordain from all eternity that I would be one.

A Zwinglian — Because I don’t have the slightest clue who this fellow is, and other than Jim West, no one else does either.

A Mormon — Because short sleeve dress shirts and bicycle mission trips don’t appeal to me.

A Jehovah’s Witness — Because I like to question authority.

A Christadelphian — Because they’re just Jehovah’s Witnesses without the organization and prestige.

A Christian Scientist — Because Tylenol is my friend.

A Muslim — Because I love pork.

A Buddhist — Because bowing down to little statues of enlightened fat men is against my religion.

A Hindu — Because they don’t even know what they believe.

A Presbyterian — Because Drew Tatusko is one, and he spoke ill of Gordy Berry’s The Last Dragon.

A Lutheran — Because I saw the movie Luther and wasn’t impressed.

An Emerger — See Hindu above.

A Jew — See Muslim above.

A Oneness Pentecostal – Because accusing Trinitarians of tritheism would get old quick.*

A Secular Humanist — Because they’re all alone in the world. I can join Joel Osteen’s church and be a humanist within a religious community.*

So I shall remain a Charismatic-Pentecostal because: (1) We have the full gospel, (2) we worship better than the rest, and (3) Because all of the apostles were.

(HT: Jim West for the wonderful idea

*Updated for CS and Kenny. :)

B”H

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17 thoughts on “Why I Could Never Be…

  1. I fit the pentecostal/charismatic label as well but I’m not sure I want to weigh myself down with all of the baggage people associate with those terms.

    I find myself wondering if people from these other faiths make similar lists and jests…

  2. Jim: Why, thank you. ;)

    Nathan: I accept the label, but I don’t really fit the mold. Weird, huh? And I hope that people make similar lists and jests… If they don’t, that’s just another reason why I could never be what they are. ;)

  3. He will never let that one go… Anyone else think The Last Dragon is cheesy? Watch it today, post 1985. You’ll feel me. :-)

  4. Drew: Never is the operative word. And please, don’t try to solicit converts to your heresy on my blog! :-P

    cs: In the interest of being an equal opportunity offender, I have updated the post to reflect your concern. ;)

  5. Nick, my nickname at seminary was “the cult leader”. During a debate on baptism where I kind of “anabaptized” Barth’s view, my prof. said I could make a phonebook interesting and turn that into a religion ;-)

    Maybe I should start podcasting my heterodox.

    I would not want to be an atheist because it all seems so fricken depressing. And they seem like quite the depressed lot too despite what they say. The constant diatribe of “religion sucks boo hoo” is like talking to someone who gives too much information about their prostate problems when you ask them how they are after worship on the weekend! Talk about a hole in reality that you can’t seem to fill. Blech.

  6. Drew: I can believe that! :-P But no, don’t start podcasting such nonsense! And good point about the whining. Along with that, I’ve observed quite a bit of contempt and anger. I guess all groups have their fundies. ;)

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